How does she do it?

I recently read a great article by Phyllis Richman called Answering Harvard’s question about my personal life, 52 years later.  In the article Richman writes a response to a letter she received 52 years ago regarding her application to graduate school at Harvard.  The letter came from then Assistant Professor William A. Doebele, Jr. and in it he asked her how she would combine caring for her husband and family with pursuing her graduate studies.  Naturally, Richman was offended by this question and in her response she said so many things that hit the nail on the head; I felt like I was reading my own story.  Despite the question she went on to create a successful career as a writer while carrying out her “responsibilities” to her family.  However, even though this guy had no business asking her “that” question it’s actually a good question because I ask myself the same question every day. 

I ask myself how I’m going to balance family and career; and some sort of intellectual interest beyond the Mickey Mouse Club House.  Sometimes just getting from sunup to sundown with my sanity still somewhat intact is a major miracle.  So while grading papers and writing and diapering and cleaning boogie noses I ask myself a million times, “How am I gonna do this?”  I work, I take care of children all day and sometimes kiss my husband at night and I usually manage to get it all done.  And it is really freaking hard.  My husband gets to go to work every day and he doesn’t have a toddler screaming at him or a baby tugging at his ankle while he’s trying to meet a deadline.  So, “How are you going to balance a career and family?” is a really good question because I’m still answering that one myself. 

When women were pushing for the Equal Rights Ammendment (ERA) I’m not so sure that question was answered.  My mother told me growing up that I could have it all; in fact she encouraged me to “have it all”.  I went to college, I became learned, I got a husband, and I had children.  I’m doing it all, but why is it so freaking hard?  I admire women that are able to dedicate themselves to only their children or only their career because it’s difficult to choose between one or the other. 

I’m so inspired by Phyllis Richman because she carved out a career while raising a family; and a quite successful one at that.  And that fellow from Harvard had no right to ask her how she would pull it all off.  How a woman will do it all is a personal question.  Yes, we should be able to have a career, personal interests, marriage and family but that is up to us.  How, we will do it is another question that I don’t think any woman can answer until maybe the question becomes past tense; how did she do it? 

Here is the link to the article by Phyllis Richman:  

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/answering-harvards-question-about-my-personal-life-52-years-later/2013/06/06/89c97e2e-c259-11e2-914f-a7aba60512a7_story.html

Downtime, that's a funny one!

When I was young and single I could take a break anytime I wanted.  I had all the downtime I wanted, needed, deserved.  After a long day of working or studying I could come home, kick off my shoes and nap to my heart’s desire.  I love to nap; it’s one of my favorite activities.  When I was sick, I could just be sick.  I could lay around in my jammies and watch TV until I was fully recovered.  Those were the glory days.  These days when I’m sick or just tired none of these luxuries are allowed.  Naps no longer exist in my world and being sick is just not an option because I have two small children that just don’t understand when mommy is sick.  No one ever told me that this would be my new reality before these little munchkins came along.  I thought having children was all kisses and ice cream. 

I’ve been sick with a cold for a couple of days and caring for my two children combined with not being allowed to lie on my deathbed and wallow in my sickly misery has not been the highlight of my week.  Last night the kids and I were waiting for my husband to get home from work so he could take over the kid responsibilities the scene was a stressful one.  I was lying on the couch begging the kids to just leave me alone, my two year old was sitting on top of me smashing my boob and my 10 month old was hanging from my arm dangling from the couch.  We all jumped up and mauled him when he walked in the door; we always do this.  The poor guy can barely get one foot in the door before we all prance on him.  I went to bed early and as usual my two year old daughter ended up in bed with us.  She kept me up most of the night with her feet kicking me in the face and her wining every 30 minutes. 

I still didn’t feel so hot today but my husband and I still went on our regular Wednesday night movie date.  The only way to relax when I’m sick is to get out of the house because the kids just won’t let me.  So we saw a movie, we laughed, we relaxed without any small people sitting on top of us. 

If anyone had told me a few years ago that having children would mean never having a free moment to myself, sleepless nights and no real downtime it might have been a deal breaker for me.  I probably would have gone on to enjoy my selfish life and never would have looked back.  Tonight when I got home from the movies my daughter was still awake and for some reason I let her stay up a little later than usual.  We watched TV and snuggled and talked on the couch.  She’s only two but we had the best conversation.  I was having so much fun I didn’t want to put her to bed.  When I finally did tuck her into bed (She wanted to sleep in my bed so I folded and let her.) she said hers prayers in the sweetest little voice that made my heart melt.  I’m really glad no one told me that having kids would turn my world upside down because little moments like the time spent with my daughter tonight are enough to fill my heart up forever.  

Choices

As I sat watching my daughter and son play this morning I started wondering what their future would be like.  Will they have opportunities to thrive and expand their minds?  Will they be challenged by life or will it be easy?  Will they have to make difficult choices?  Will they have choices at all?  The answer to this is probably yes, all of the above.  My children like myself were fortunate to have been born in the United States of America where we have many choices be they trivial or of great importance; we control a large part of our own destiny in the United States. 

I think about choice a lot because I am living outside of the United States in Bogota, Colombia where I see the world from a different perspective.  Not just choices in Colombia but around the world.  For example, I was born in the United States to a middle class, white family.  I had many opportunities; public school, ballet class, plenty of food to eat, etc.  When I became a young adult I was able to make the choice to go to university, to study liberal arts, and to live in a tiny yet cozy apartment.  After college I chose to marry a man that I was very much in love with.  I chose to continue my studies, be a teacher and later on start a family.  I chose all of this.  My family didn’t have a lot but I was able to make some good decisions that resulted in a nice life for myself.  I had the freedom to make these choices which allowed for this life.  Many individuals around the world simply don’t have this. 

In comparison, I’ve learned a lot about the lack of choices that some people have by speaking to a woman I’ll call Sara.  She was born very poor.  Her father was a violent alcoholic who beat her mother.  The family was constantly moving and she was always changing schools.  At 13 years of age she became a maid, and has been ever since.  Today she is still extremely poor and her life is full of challenges that many Americans frankly could never survive.    She really had no choice in her destiny and there was no one telling her that there might be alternatives to her dismal life. 

You are probably wondering what my point is with all of this.  The point is that we all have choices which vary in degree depending on our geography and family background.  I have the freedom to do pretty much anything I want, and I’m grateful for this.  Others are not so lucky.  I always tell my students that everyone is doing the best that they possibly can.  Someone else’s best may not be as good as your best, but they are doing the best that they know how with the choices that they been given in life.  Give people the benefit of the doubt and remember everyone is doing the best they can.  A maid is not a maid because she is lazy or ignorant; a maid is a maid because she did the best she could with the hand she was dealt in life.  I’m not a teacher and writer because I’m particularly smart or witty, I’m a teacher and writer because I did the best I could with the choices I had.  So next time you are annoyed with the guy at the drive through or you see beggars on the street when you visit a third world country give them a break and remember their choices were probably a lot different than yours.  

Day 3: A letter to my younger self, that I hope one day my daughter will read.

A letter to my younger self, that I hope one day my daughter will read. 

This morning as I wiped chocolate snot off of my daughter’s mouth (she was eating Oreos, don’t judge, yes I do let her eat Oreos for breakfast, she sneezed hence the chocolate snot) I started thinking about my journey to becoming a mother.  Everything leading up to this chocolaty snot moment made me who I am today as a person and as a mother.  Now that I am a mother I think a lot about the advice and many lectures that my mother gave me as a girl and it kills me to say this but I wish I’d listened to her more.  Yes, that’s right, she was right about a lot of things.  If I could go back in time and speak to my young, bratty, pre-teen self I would tell myself three things: 

1.      Your mother is right about a lot, and no Lindsay you don’t know everything.  So be humble and shut up and listen. 

When I was a little girl and people gave any piece of advice my response was always, “I know that.”  This was especially annoying to my grandmother and now I really do understand that it was so annoying and today I’m sorry for being such a know it all.  It’s painful but true, the older you are the more life experience you have, the more you know.  Being humble enough to listen to your elders is difficult for young people and most adults too for that matter.  But you really can learn a lot by just listening. 

2.      All of the things that you want to do in the name of rebellion, or experimentation or just plain old teenage angst really will hurt you and impact you for the rest of your life. 

That party that you want to go to, or all of that beer that you want to try, and the minimal clothing you are sporting; yeah, all of those are bad for you in one way or another.  Bad things will happen at that party, probably as a result of all of that beer you are going to try and tube top just isn’t classy. 

3.      Enjoy the journey, enjoy every moment of it and don’t be in such a rush to grow up.  You will be a big girl one day and you can sleep as late as you want and eat as much chocolate as your heart desires but these younger years will only happen once and the journey is so beautiful.  Newsflash, the destination is actually pretty boring at times.  The youthful, carefree journey is so much more fun.  Not knowing what is ahead of you is actually the best part of the journey. 

This advice is all very cliché; every young woman has heard it a thousand times from a nagging mother; but its cliché because it’s true.  I’m pretty sure my mother told me all of the aforementioned a million times and I just didn’t get it or didn’t want to get it.  I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I did learn from them as I’m sure my mother and her mother before her did so I hope that my daughter reads this one day listens to just a little bit of it.  This is just hope though, because if she is as hard headed as me (there is already evidence supporting this) she will not listen to a word of it.