How does she do it?

I recently read a great article by Phyllis Richman called Answering Harvard’s question about my personal life, 52 years later.  In the article Richman writes a response to a letter she received 52 years ago regarding her application to graduate school at Harvard.  The letter came from then Assistant Professor William A. Doebele, Jr. and in it he asked her how she would combine caring for her husband and family with pursuing her graduate studies.  Naturally, Richman was offended by this question and in her response she said so many things that hit the nail on the head; I felt like I was reading my own story.  Despite the question she went on to create a successful career as a writer while carrying out her “responsibilities” to her family.  However, even though this guy had no business asking her “that” question it’s actually a good question because I ask myself the same question every day. 

I ask myself how I’m going to balance family and career; and some sort of intellectual interest beyond the Mickey Mouse Club House.  Sometimes just getting from sunup to sundown with my sanity still somewhat intact is a major miracle.  So while grading papers and writing and diapering and cleaning boogie noses I ask myself a million times, “How am I gonna do this?”  I work, I take care of children all day and sometimes kiss my husband at night and I usually manage to get it all done.  And it is really freaking hard.  My husband gets to go to work every day and he doesn’t have a toddler screaming at him or a baby tugging at his ankle while he’s trying to meet a deadline.  So, “How are you going to balance a career and family?” is a really good question because I’m still answering that one myself. 

When women were pushing for the Equal Rights Ammendment (ERA) I’m not so sure that question was answered.  My mother told me growing up that I could have it all; in fact she encouraged me to “have it all”.  I went to college, I became learned, I got a husband, and I had children.  I’m doing it all, but why is it so freaking hard?  I admire women that are able to dedicate themselves to only their children or only their career because it’s difficult to choose between one or the other. 

I’m so inspired by Phyllis Richman because she carved out a career while raising a family; and a quite successful one at that.  And that fellow from Harvard had no right to ask her how she would pull it all off.  How a woman will do it all is a personal question.  Yes, we should be able to have a career, personal interests, marriage and family but that is up to us.  How, we will do it is another question that I don’t think any woman can answer until maybe the question becomes past tense; how did she do it? 

Here is the link to the article by Phyllis Richman:  

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/answering-harvards-question-about-my-personal-life-52-years-later/2013/06/06/89c97e2e-c259-11e2-914f-a7aba60512a7_story.html

Once upon a time there were a pair of boobs...not sexy ones but lactating ones.

I think a lot about breastfeeding these days since I spend about 50% of my day nursing my 12 month old son.  The kid is addicted to breast milk and resembles a little fire breathing dragon if he does not receive it on demand.  It’s really a miracle that he and I made it this long breastfeeding.  My older daughter and I did not fare nearly as well. 

I didn’t know when I first became a mom that breastfeeding would be so much work.  I thought my baby would just slip out of the birth canal and she would magically drink milk flowing from my breasts.  I thought I would use that breast pump thingy and it would fill up with milk.  This turned out to be the farthest from the truth for me.

Imagine my surprise when a couple of days after my first baby was born my nipples were cracked and bleeding.  My daughter wasn’t latching properly and when she did she’d only stay on a few minutes.  She had to stay in the hospital a couple of weeks after her birth due to a minor infection and my husband had to leave the country on business the day after she was born.  So imagine the stress for a new mom trying to do what she’s been told is best for her baby and it’s not going as planned.  On top of all of this the lactation consultant (or lactation Nazi as I like to call her) was breathing down my neck every five minutes telling me to, “Try this, try that.  Maybe the football hold, maybe upside down.” 

I wanted to quit so many times.  My boobs hurt; my kid was screaming her head off even after attempting to nurse her for an hour.  And I did quit when she turned three months old.  I just couldn’t do it anymore; physically, emotionally or mentally.  When I pumped I produced enough milk to feed a grasshopper and my daughter just really liked her bottle and I had to return to work; so everyone was happier this way. 

My experience with my son has been a completely different one however.  I went into my pregnancy and his birth with zero expectations.  I decided to give breastfeeding a try but not stress about it if it didn’t work.  When the nurse handed him to me after I woke up from my C-section he went straight for the breast and it was like he knew exactly what to do.  Despite my success the same lactation Nazi was all over my case about how to breastfeed my kid.  I decided this time that I was this kid’s mother and I would do what felt best and most natural.  So when the nurses kept pushing me to pump every two hours and I started bleeding into the collection bottles I said this crap is for the birds.  I’m not pumping.  I’m not sitting here listening to that waaaaaa noise all day.  I’m going to keep trying to nurse this kid and see what happens.  I’m going to do it my way.  And what do you know, he started gaining weight.  12 months later he is a happy healthy kid.  He’s never even really been sick.  And we are still nursing.  I figured out that I just don’t pump well.  Just because I pump very little doesn’t mean the baby only getting a small amount of milk.  There were several times along the way that I wanted to quit because it hurt too badly, or it was inconvenient to be his pacifier, etc. but we are still nursing.  It’s been a great experience and I highly recommend it if you can hang in there because it is just lovely to sit down and snuggle up with your kiddo while he eats.  If you can’t though don’t beat yourself up.  In the middle ages they had wet nurses and nowadays we have formula.  

 Nursing is different for every mom and every child is different too.  I have two children that have been polar opposites in the realm of breastfeeding.  Sometimes you just need to give the kid a bottle.  Sometimes they nurse like ducks to water.  Just do your best and see what happens, because you can never go wrong doing your best. 

*I have zero, and I mean zero medical expertise so always consult your pediatrician when it comes to feeding your child.  

The three phases of childhood illness (I have zero medical expertise just mompertise).

My little girl is sick today.  It’s been coming on for a few days so the worst part is over.  When she is getting sick she exhibits what we call at our house “pterodactyl like activity”.  Much of her communication during this incubation period sounds like this:  “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek” which is what I imagine a pterodactyl sounds like.  She expresses the onset of her discomfort like one of those prehistoric creatures and takes it out on the person closest to her which is usually me.  She screams (like a pterodactyl), she hits (mostly her little brother), and doesn’t sleep well which means she usually ends up in our bed curled up on top of my feet like a little puppy.  The puppy thing sounds sweet but trust me it’s not; puppy gets angry if you try to move her to increase your own comfort.   

After the initial “pterodactyl phase” begins the icky fluids phase, better known as the “exorcist phase” which consists of snot, vomit, snot and more vomit.  Have I grossed you out yet?  Last night she barfed all over the couch which wasn’t so bad because we have a leather couch which I bought specifically because of our gross (oops I meant messy) kids.  When mystery fluids or God forbid vomit land on it you can just wipe them right off.  However, one thing I didn’t bargain on was the cracks between the cushions.  When she barfed last night she somehow managed to puke directly into the crack between two cushions.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get puke out of the crack between couch cushions?  That was fun, and I swear it still smells. 

Today is phase three, my favorite phase of illness.  Today is the sit on the couch and watch cartoons all day because she feels too yucky to move phase.   I secretly relish this phase because she doesn’t destroy anything on this day, doesn’t talk back, doesn’t pick on her brother; the evil button is turned off and she just lies around and wants to cuddle with mama.  I love this part even if she does wipe her snot all over me while we snuggle.  She becomes my baby girl again that just wants her mama and not my constantly challenging toddler.  

Saying goodbye.

Saying goodbye. 

I spent my whole life living in Texas until my 33^rd year.  I had traveled around the world a bit but Texas had always been home.  I always knew I would leave one day I just didn't know when or where I would go.  It was a bitterly cold day in February when I left everything in Texas to move to another country. 

After being laid off in 2011 my husband went back to school to get his MBA.  Upon graduating from the program he was offered the opportunity of a lifetime in his native country of Colombia.  I don’t think we ever thought that we would actually live in Colombia, nor did we think that such an opportunity would present itself there.  However, the opportunity was just too good to pass up for my husband’s career and for our family. 

Once a formal offer was made and things were set in motion the whole process was quite surreal.  I had so many questions, many of which I had to just guess the answers to because I had zero experience with relocating to a foreign country.  What would we do with our house?  All of our stuff?  How would we move our things from the U.S. to Colombia?  What would we do with our dogs?  I began packing up our home box by box.  My husband went to Colombia ahead of us to get started on his new job so I was home packing with a two year old and a newborn baby in tow.  I had so many emotions.  I was so excited, and nervous and terrified all at the same time.  I remember that I kept thinking, “Are we really leaving?  Is this really happening?” 

Moving day grew closer and closer and then it finally came.  The day before we were to take a flight with our two children and two dogs to Colombia our friends from church came to help us move just about everything we owned into a storage unit.  It is outrageously expensive to ship your things overseas so we determined that we could take 4 suitcases and two large boxes with us to Colombia.  That’s it; our whole lives were in those suitcases.  We took only the necessities which consisted of clothes, a few household items and toys for the kids. 

That night after we had moved everything out of our house we had only a mattress left in the house to sleep on that night.  The house was so empty.  We had only lived in the house for four years but it already had so many memories in it.  We brought both of our children home from the hospital as newborns to that house.  There was so much laughter echoing from the now empty walls of that house. 

The weather was terrible the next day; I thought they might cancel our flight.  There were a series of mix-ups and delays at the airport but after several hours we finally boarded our flight for Bogota, Colombia.  I didn't know when I would see Texas again.  I felt like I was leaving a piece of myself there.  We were moving on to bigger things and new adventures but Texas would always be my real home no matter where I roamed.  I don’t know if I will ever live there again, but a big piece of my heart will always remain there.  

Downtime, that's a funny one!

When I was young and single I could take a break anytime I wanted.  I had all the downtime I wanted, needed, deserved.  After a long day of working or studying I could come home, kick off my shoes and nap to my heart’s desire.  I love to nap; it’s one of my favorite activities.  When I was sick, I could just be sick.  I could lay around in my jammies and watch TV until I was fully recovered.  Those were the glory days.  These days when I’m sick or just tired none of these luxuries are allowed.  Naps no longer exist in my world and being sick is just not an option because I have two small children that just don’t understand when mommy is sick.  No one ever told me that this would be my new reality before these little munchkins came along.  I thought having children was all kisses and ice cream. 

I’ve been sick with a cold for a couple of days and caring for my two children combined with not being allowed to lie on my deathbed and wallow in my sickly misery has not been the highlight of my week.  Last night the kids and I were waiting for my husband to get home from work so he could take over the kid responsibilities the scene was a stressful one.  I was lying on the couch begging the kids to just leave me alone, my two year old was sitting on top of me smashing my boob and my 10 month old was hanging from my arm dangling from the couch.  We all jumped up and mauled him when he walked in the door; we always do this.  The poor guy can barely get one foot in the door before we all prance on him.  I went to bed early and as usual my two year old daughter ended up in bed with us.  She kept me up most of the night with her feet kicking me in the face and her wining every 30 minutes. 

I still didn’t feel so hot today but my husband and I still went on our regular Wednesday night movie date.  The only way to relax when I’m sick is to get out of the house because the kids just won’t let me.  So we saw a movie, we laughed, we relaxed without any small people sitting on top of us. 

If anyone had told me a few years ago that having children would mean never having a free moment to myself, sleepless nights and no real downtime it might have been a deal breaker for me.  I probably would have gone on to enjoy my selfish life and never would have looked back.  Tonight when I got home from the movies my daughter was still awake and for some reason I let her stay up a little later than usual.  We watched TV and snuggled and talked on the couch.  She’s only two but we had the best conversation.  I was having so much fun I didn’t want to put her to bed.  When I finally did tuck her into bed (She wanted to sleep in my bed so I folded and let her.) she said hers prayers in the sweetest little voice that made my heart melt.  I’m really glad no one told me that having kids would turn my world upside down because little moments like the time spent with my daughter tonight are enough to fill my heart up forever.  

Extraordinary moments.

Remarkable things happen each and every day all over the world.  We hear about them on the news, see them in our social media feeds and sometimes they even happen to us personally.  Sometimes, we can go days even months without anything significant happening in our own lives and sometimes extraordinary things happen more than once in a single day.  What defines a remarkable or extraordinary moment?  And how is it that we can go for long periods of time without anything of note happening in our lives?  Have you ever met a person who seems to have great things happening all the time?  Are they lying or is it their outlook on life that yields great personal events?  Today, I would wager that it is our outlook that yields happiness, greatness, and extraordinariness; whatever you might want to call it.   

I often get caught up in my daily routine of working, paying the bills and taking care of the kids and think nothing important is happening to me.  I get sucked into a humdrum way of life and forget that there is a whole wide world happening right outside my door.  My typical day consists of being woken from slumber by a screaming child, or maybe even two children screaming in unison.  I change diapers, I dress them, I feed them.  Then we play.  Then I change diapers, I feed them, I play with them.   You get the idea.  You can see how this might get monotonous and one might start to think that life is a little uneventful but every once in a while I’m able to see that there are so many great moments in between the feeding, and diapering, and playing that make life remarkable.  One might even have enough clarity during the feeding, diapering, playing to see that these moments are great too. 

I also occasionally have interesting, out of the ordinary things happen to me or in my presence that I am able to witness.  Today on the street while walking with my husband to a movie, I saw a toddler walking around with no pants on.  This is not a normal occurrence in Colombia despite what you might think.  He was part of a group of indigenous people.  I was not able to determine if they were homeless or just extremely poor but they were needy to say the least.  There are about 4 million internally displaced persons in Colombia due to the long-running internal conflict between rebel groups and the government.  The situation in the country has improved drastically over the last several years but a definite problem still exists.  The group of people that I saw today was most likely internally displaced because they were pushed off of their land by a rebel group, which lead them to the city to try and find a place to call home again.  As a mother I was so touched by this bare bottomed little boy.  I teared up right there on the street.  For me this was an extraordinary moment.  It was extraordinary because despite their circumstances these people continue on with the day to day of life.  The child was carefree, living in the moment. 

So you see, sometimes the universe gives us moments to think about and decide if they are significant.  That simple moment of seeing a little child running around on a street corner made an impact on me that will affect my day tomorrow and the interactions that I have with my own children.  I hope that I can live in the moment and not worry so much about what comes next.  We all want answers about tomorrow and we miss the answers that are right in front of us. 

Information on internally displaced persons in Colombia: 

http://www.unhcr.org/pages/49e492ad6.html

http://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2013/aug/12/colombia-internally-displaced-people-instability

These are a few of my favorite things….about Bogota.

My family and I picked up and left everything we knew and loved in Texas about 6 months ago to move to Bogota, Colombia.  My husband had a job opportunity here that we just couldn’t pass up.  While I am a Texan through and through I have grown to love my newly adopted city of Bogota.  These are a few of my favorite things about Bogota that will be hard to leave if we ever go back to the United States. 

1.       The weather-The weather is amazing here!  There are no seasons so the temperature stays about the same year round.  The high is around 70 degrees Fahrenheit and the temp gets down to about 45 at night.  It rains a lot so if you are not into that this is not the place for you, but the weather is always pleasant.  No brutal summers or winters to deal with, it’s like the first days of spring every day.

2.       Walkable-The pleasant climate in Bogota is one of the things that make the city very walkable.    You will find pedestrians everywhere in this crowded bustling city of almost 10 million inhabitants.  Every neighborhood is a microcosm of the larger city so you can walk to most anything that you need.  If you are feeling lazy though you can always jump into one of the thousands of yellow taxis. 

3.       Mountains-Everywhere you go in the city you will have spectacular views of the lush, green mountains; they are inescapable.  Situated at the top of the Andes Mountain Range, the mountains of Colombia are by far some of the most beautiful in the world.  The city of Bogota sits at about 8,000 feet above sea level. 

4.       Crispeta-This may seem random but in my opinion totally worth mentioning.  Crispeta dulce is a gift from the gods.  At most movie theaters here you can get crispeta salada (salted popcorn) or crispeta dulce (sort of like caramel kettle corn) for about $2US.  Let me say that the crispeta dulce is to die for.  I go to the movies about once a week largely for the crispeta dulce. 

5.       Panaderias-Just about every neighborhood has a panaderia where they bake fresh bread and sweets every day.  Pan de bono, almojabana, pan yucca, pan integral, croissants are all freshly baked every morning.  I myself prefer the chocolate croissants from my local panaderia. 

6.       Empleadas-There are literally thousands of women in this city who work as empleadas or maids ready to clean your house from top to bottom, cook lunch from scratch and care for your children at extremely reasonable rates.  An American could get really spoiled here. 

7.       Cultural-Bogota is a large bustling metropolis with many international visitors but it has not forgotten its heritage.  There are great museums like Museo del Oro, theater productions and the national library houses the largest collection in Latin America. 

8.       Kid friendly-The city has lots to do for kids.  One of our favorite places is Parque Museo del Chico.  This is sort of like a mini Central Park.  It has an old colonial style wall enclosing it so your kids cannot escape!  In a large city where space is at premium parks like this one are great because they offer grass for your kids to run and play on.  There is even an old London style double decker bus with a little café inside of it. 

9.       Day/weekend trips-If you get tired of all that Bogota and its mild climate have to offer you can always take quick trip down the mountain to places like Melgar where the weather is warm and you can relax and swim at one of its many resorts or “fincas”. 

10.   People are really polite, like in Texas-Last but certainly not least people are really, really polite here.  This is something you don’t often find outside of the southern United States and this Texan appreciates that.  Everyone says thank you and please, yes sir, no ma’am.  It is a chivalrous, respectful culture and I love that because it makes me feel like this city is my home at least for the foreseeable future.