How does she do it?

I recently read a great article by Phyllis Richman called Answering Harvard’s question about my personal life, 52 years later.  In the article Richman writes a response to a letter she received 52 years ago regarding her application to graduate school at Harvard.  The letter came from then Assistant Professor William A. Doebele, Jr. and in it he asked her how she would combine caring for her husband and family with pursuing her graduate studies.  Naturally, Richman was offended by this question and in her response she said so many things that hit the nail on the head; I felt like I was reading my own story.  Despite the question she went on to create a successful career as a writer while carrying out her “responsibilities” to her family.  However, even though this guy had no business asking her “that” question it’s actually a good question because I ask myself the same question every day. 

I ask myself how I’m going to balance family and career; and some sort of intellectual interest beyond the Mickey Mouse Club House.  Sometimes just getting from sunup to sundown with my sanity still somewhat intact is a major miracle.  So while grading papers and writing and diapering and cleaning boogie noses I ask myself a million times, “How am I gonna do this?”  I work, I take care of children all day and sometimes kiss my husband at night and I usually manage to get it all done.  And it is really freaking hard.  My husband gets to go to work every day and he doesn’t have a toddler screaming at him or a baby tugging at his ankle while he’s trying to meet a deadline.  So, “How are you going to balance a career and family?” is a really good question because I’m still answering that one myself. 

When women were pushing for the Equal Rights Ammendment (ERA) I’m not so sure that question was answered.  My mother told me growing up that I could have it all; in fact she encouraged me to “have it all”.  I went to college, I became learned, I got a husband, and I had children.  I’m doing it all, but why is it so freaking hard?  I admire women that are able to dedicate themselves to only their children or only their career because it’s difficult to choose between one or the other. 

I’m so inspired by Phyllis Richman because she carved out a career while raising a family; and a quite successful one at that.  And that fellow from Harvard had no right to ask her how she would pull it all off.  How a woman will do it all is a personal question.  Yes, we should be able to have a career, personal interests, marriage and family but that is up to us.  How, we will do it is another question that I don’t think any woman can answer until maybe the question becomes past tense; how did she do it? 

Here is the link to the article by Phyllis Richman:  

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/answering-harvards-question-about-my-personal-life-52-years-later/2013/06/06/89c97e2e-c259-11e2-914f-a7aba60512a7_story.html

Once upon a time there were a pair of boobs...not sexy ones but lactating ones.

I think a lot about breastfeeding these days since I spend about 50% of my day nursing my 12 month old son.  The kid is addicted to breast milk and resembles a little fire breathing dragon if he does not receive it on demand.  It’s really a miracle that he and I made it this long breastfeeding.  My older daughter and I did not fare nearly as well. 

I didn’t know when I first became a mom that breastfeeding would be so much work.  I thought my baby would just slip out of the birth canal and she would magically drink milk flowing from my breasts.  I thought I would use that breast pump thingy and it would fill up with milk.  This turned out to be the farthest from the truth for me.

Imagine my surprise when a couple of days after my first baby was born my nipples were cracked and bleeding.  My daughter wasn’t latching properly and when she did she’d only stay on a few minutes.  She had to stay in the hospital a couple of weeks after her birth due to a minor infection and my husband had to leave the country on business the day after she was born.  So imagine the stress for a new mom trying to do what she’s been told is best for her baby and it’s not going as planned.  On top of all of this the lactation consultant (or lactation Nazi as I like to call her) was breathing down my neck every five minutes telling me to, “Try this, try that.  Maybe the football hold, maybe upside down.” 

I wanted to quit so many times.  My boobs hurt; my kid was screaming her head off even after attempting to nurse her for an hour.  And I did quit when she turned three months old.  I just couldn’t do it anymore; physically, emotionally or mentally.  When I pumped I produced enough milk to feed a grasshopper and my daughter just really liked her bottle and I had to return to work; so everyone was happier this way. 

My experience with my son has been a completely different one however.  I went into my pregnancy and his birth with zero expectations.  I decided to give breastfeeding a try but not stress about it if it didn’t work.  When the nurse handed him to me after I woke up from my C-section he went straight for the breast and it was like he knew exactly what to do.  Despite my success the same lactation Nazi was all over my case about how to breastfeed my kid.  I decided this time that I was this kid’s mother and I would do what felt best and most natural.  So when the nurses kept pushing me to pump every two hours and I started bleeding into the collection bottles I said this crap is for the birds.  I’m not pumping.  I’m not sitting here listening to that waaaaaa noise all day.  I’m going to keep trying to nurse this kid and see what happens.  I’m going to do it my way.  And what do you know, he started gaining weight.  12 months later he is a happy healthy kid.  He’s never even really been sick.  And we are still nursing.  I figured out that I just don’t pump well.  Just because I pump very little doesn’t mean the baby only getting a small amount of milk.  There were several times along the way that I wanted to quit because it hurt too badly, or it was inconvenient to be his pacifier, etc. but we are still nursing.  It’s been a great experience and I highly recommend it if you can hang in there because it is just lovely to sit down and snuggle up with your kiddo while he eats.  If you can’t though don’t beat yourself up.  In the middle ages they had wet nurses and nowadays we have formula.  

 Nursing is different for every mom and every child is different too.  I have two children that have been polar opposites in the realm of breastfeeding.  Sometimes you just need to give the kid a bottle.  Sometimes they nurse like ducks to water.  Just do your best and see what happens, because you can never go wrong doing your best. 

*I have zero, and I mean zero medical expertise so always consult your pediatrician when it comes to feeding your child.  

The three phases of childhood illness (I have zero medical expertise just mompertise).

My little girl is sick today.  It’s been coming on for a few days so the worst part is over.  When she is getting sick she exhibits what we call at our house “pterodactyl like activity”.  Much of her communication during this incubation period sounds like this:  “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek” which is what I imagine a pterodactyl sounds like.  She expresses the onset of her discomfort like one of those prehistoric creatures and takes it out on the person closest to her which is usually me.  She screams (like a pterodactyl), she hits (mostly her little brother), and doesn’t sleep well which means she usually ends up in our bed curled up on top of my feet like a little puppy.  The puppy thing sounds sweet but trust me it’s not; puppy gets angry if you try to move her to increase your own comfort.   

After the initial “pterodactyl phase” begins the icky fluids phase, better known as the “exorcist phase” which consists of snot, vomit, snot and more vomit.  Have I grossed you out yet?  Last night she barfed all over the couch which wasn’t so bad because we have a leather couch which I bought specifically because of our gross (oops I meant messy) kids.  When mystery fluids or God forbid vomit land on it you can just wipe them right off.  However, one thing I didn’t bargain on was the cracks between the cushions.  When she barfed last night she somehow managed to puke directly into the crack between two cushions.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get puke out of the crack between couch cushions?  That was fun, and I swear it still smells. 

Today is phase three, my favorite phase of illness.  Today is the sit on the couch and watch cartoons all day because she feels too yucky to move phase.   I secretly relish this phase because she doesn’t destroy anything on this day, doesn’t talk back, doesn’t pick on her brother; the evil button is turned off and she just lies around and wants to cuddle with mama.  I love this part even if she does wipe her snot all over me while we snuggle.  She becomes my baby girl again that just wants her mama and not my constantly challenging toddler.  

Downtime, that's a funny one!

When I was young and single I could take a break anytime I wanted.  I had all the downtime I wanted, needed, deserved.  After a long day of working or studying I could come home, kick off my shoes and nap to my heart’s desire.  I love to nap; it’s one of my favorite activities.  When I was sick, I could just be sick.  I could lay around in my jammies and watch TV until I was fully recovered.  Those were the glory days.  These days when I’m sick or just tired none of these luxuries are allowed.  Naps no longer exist in my world and being sick is just not an option because I have two small children that just don’t understand when mommy is sick.  No one ever told me that this would be my new reality before these little munchkins came along.  I thought having children was all kisses and ice cream. 

I’ve been sick with a cold for a couple of days and caring for my two children combined with not being allowed to lie on my deathbed and wallow in my sickly misery has not been the highlight of my week.  Last night the kids and I were waiting for my husband to get home from work so he could take over the kid responsibilities the scene was a stressful one.  I was lying on the couch begging the kids to just leave me alone, my two year old was sitting on top of me smashing my boob and my 10 month old was hanging from my arm dangling from the couch.  We all jumped up and mauled him when he walked in the door; we always do this.  The poor guy can barely get one foot in the door before we all prance on him.  I went to bed early and as usual my two year old daughter ended up in bed with us.  She kept me up most of the night with her feet kicking me in the face and her wining every 30 minutes. 

I still didn’t feel so hot today but my husband and I still went on our regular Wednesday night movie date.  The only way to relax when I’m sick is to get out of the house because the kids just won’t let me.  So we saw a movie, we laughed, we relaxed without any small people sitting on top of us. 

If anyone had told me a few years ago that having children would mean never having a free moment to myself, sleepless nights and no real downtime it might have been a deal breaker for me.  I probably would have gone on to enjoy my selfish life and never would have looked back.  Tonight when I got home from the movies my daughter was still awake and for some reason I let her stay up a little later than usual.  We watched TV and snuggled and talked on the couch.  She’s only two but we had the best conversation.  I was having so much fun I didn’t want to put her to bed.  When I finally did tuck her into bed (She wanted to sleep in my bed so I folded and let her.) she said hers prayers in the sweetest little voice that made my heart melt.  I’m really glad no one told me that having kids would turn my world upside down because little moments like the time spent with my daughter tonight are enough to fill my heart up forever.  

Choices

As I sat watching my daughter and son play this morning I started wondering what their future would be like.  Will they have opportunities to thrive and expand their minds?  Will they be challenged by life or will it be easy?  Will they have to make difficult choices?  Will they have choices at all?  The answer to this is probably yes, all of the above.  My children like myself were fortunate to have been born in the United States of America where we have many choices be they trivial or of great importance; we control a large part of our own destiny in the United States. 

I think about choice a lot because I am living outside of the United States in Bogota, Colombia where I see the world from a different perspective.  Not just choices in Colombia but around the world.  For example, I was born in the United States to a middle class, white family.  I had many opportunities; public school, ballet class, plenty of food to eat, etc.  When I became a young adult I was able to make the choice to go to university, to study liberal arts, and to live in a tiny yet cozy apartment.  After college I chose to marry a man that I was very much in love with.  I chose to continue my studies, be a teacher and later on start a family.  I chose all of this.  My family didn’t have a lot but I was able to make some good decisions that resulted in a nice life for myself.  I had the freedom to make these choices which allowed for this life.  Many individuals around the world simply don’t have this. 

In comparison, I’ve learned a lot about the lack of choices that some people have by speaking to a woman I’ll call Sara.  She was born very poor.  Her father was a violent alcoholic who beat her mother.  The family was constantly moving and she was always changing schools.  At 13 years of age she became a maid, and has been ever since.  Today she is still extremely poor and her life is full of challenges that many Americans frankly could never survive.    She really had no choice in her destiny and there was no one telling her that there might be alternatives to her dismal life. 

You are probably wondering what my point is with all of this.  The point is that we all have choices which vary in degree depending on our geography and family background.  I have the freedom to do pretty much anything I want, and I’m grateful for this.  Others are not so lucky.  I always tell my students that everyone is doing the best that they possibly can.  Someone else’s best may not be as good as your best, but they are doing the best that they know how with the choices that they been given in life.  Give people the benefit of the doubt and remember everyone is doing the best they can.  A maid is not a maid because she is lazy or ignorant; a maid is a maid because she did the best she could with the hand she was dealt in life.  I’m not a teacher and writer because I’m particularly smart or witty, I’m a teacher and writer because I did the best I could with the choices I had.  So next time you are annoyed with the guy at the drive through or you see beggars on the street when you visit a third world country give them a break and remember their choices were probably a lot different than yours.  

The future of the written word.

The future of the written word.   

I love to write.  I write because it makes me a happier person, it makes me more thoughtful, more spiritual and it improves every other area of my life.  I have always loved writing.  I can remember my very first personal narrative in first grade.  It was about my impending tonsillectomy and the fear I felt about it, complete with hand drawn pictures. 

As a student I was always more than happy to write essays, short stories and research papers.  As a public schoolteacher for eight years I always had my students writing.  I taught Spanish so many of my students looked at me like I was a crazy person when I asked them to write an essay before they had a full command of the language, but they managed to get at least something written out with my constant pestering helping them along.  Lately I find myself wondering though, is the written word as we know it disappearing?  With all of the technological advances and reality tv shows, will our younger generations really want to sit down and read a book, let alone write something? 

I don’t think that the written word is in danger of extinction but I do think that it’s just not all that popular.  Adults and children alike just don’t read that much anymore for pleasure and their writing consists of short texts and tweets.  Many of my high school students hated writing and hated reading even more.  Most of them couldn’t even figure out how to begin writing an essay or short story because the world as a whole just isn’t as literate as it was a generation ago.  The results of a poll published in January of this year showed that 23% of Americans did not crack open even one book in 2013.  The same poll showed that in 1978, 42% of Americans read 11 or more books in a single year.  Many might blame this decline on technology but I see it in a different way, I think reading is even easier and more accessible today than it was in 1978.  We have tablets, eBooks, smartphones, etc.  Today you can read virtually anywhere at any time, but many of us simply choose not to.  We also choose not to write more than a few words a day.  We choose not to write much in an era where we can become instantly published authors through the power of the internet. 

It is hard to pinpoint the reason for the decline in interest for reading but scholars have seen a strong correlation between children’s literacy and their overall interest in reading linked to them being read to at home.  Many parents simply don’t read to their children and don’t read anything themselves.  I’m not the perfect parent; I sometimes go days without reading to my children.  We get caught up in the daily grind and it’s often hard to get my toddler to sit still and listen to a book but I need to at least set an example so that she will see that reading is something that people do.  Instead of waiting for her to go to bed so I can curl up with a good novel I need to read in front of her.  Our kids want to be just like us so we must model the behavior that we want for them.  So tonight, I’m going to sit down with my little ones and read a story and hopefully they will enjoy it and receive all of the pleasure and satisfaction that I have from the written word so that they can one day make great cultural contributions to civilization and not just be a bunch idiots sitting on the couch watching some hillbilly reality show. 

Links to articles mentioned: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/12/reading-report-_n_5307509.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/01/the-decline-of-the-american-book-lover/283222/

http://www.nea.org/grants/facts-about-childrens-literacy.html

These are a few of my favorite things….about Bogota.

My family and I picked up and left everything we knew and loved in Texas about 6 months ago to move to Bogota, Colombia.  My husband had a job opportunity here that we just couldn’t pass up.  While I am a Texan through and through I have grown to love my newly adopted city of Bogota.  These are a few of my favorite things about Bogota that will be hard to leave if we ever go back to the United States. 

1.       The weather-The weather is amazing here!  There are no seasons so the temperature stays about the same year round.  The high is around 70 degrees Fahrenheit and the temp gets down to about 45 at night.  It rains a lot so if you are not into that this is not the place for you, but the weather is always pleasant.  No brutal summers or winters to deal with, it’s like the first days of spring every day.

2.       Walkable-The pleasant climate in Bogota is one of the things that make the city very walkable.    You will find pedestrians everywhere in this crowded bustling city of almost 10 million inhabitants.  Every neighborhood is a microcosm of the larger city so you can walk to most anything that you need.  If you are feeling lazy though you can always jump into one of the thousands of yellow taxis. 

3.       Mountains-Everywhere you go in the city you will have spectacular views of the lush, green mountains; they are inescapable.  Situated at the top of the Andes Mountain Range, the mountains of Colombia are by far some of the most beautiful in the world.  The city of Bogota sits at about 8,000 feet above sea level. 

4.       Crispeta-This may seem random but in my opinion totally worth mentioning.  Crispeta dulce is a gift from the gods.  At most movie theaters here you can get crispeta salada (salted popcorn) or crispeta dulce (sort of like caramel kettle corn) for about $2US.  Let me say that the crispeta dulce is to die for.  I go to the movies about once a week largely for the crispeta dulce. 

5.       Panaderias-Just about every neighborhood has a panaderia where they bake fresh bread and sweets every day.  Pan de bono, almojabana, pan yucca, pan integral, croissants are all freshly baked every morning.  I myself prefer the chocolate croissants from my local panaderia. 

6.       Empleadas-There are literally thousands of women in this city who work as empleadas or maids ready to clean your house from top to bottom, cook lunch from scratch and care for your children at extremely reasonable rates.  An American could get really spoiled here. 

7.       Cultural-Bogota is a large bustling metropolis with many international visitors but it has not forgotten its heritage.  There are great museums like Museo del Oro, theater productions and the national library houses the largest collection in Latin America. 

8.       Kid friendly-The city has lots to do for kids.  One of our favorite places is Parque Museo del Chico.  This is sort of like a mini Central Park.  It has an old colonial style wall enclosing it so your kids cannot escape!  In a large city where space is at premium parks like this one are great because they offer grass for your kids to run and play on.  There is even an old London style double decker bus with a little café inside of it. 

9.       Day/weekend trips-If you get tired of all that Bogota and its mild climate have to offer you can always take quick trip down the mountain to places like Melgar where the weather is warm and you can relax and swim at one of its many resorts or “fincas”. 

10.   People are really polite, like in Texas-Last but certainly not least people are really, really polite here.  This is something you don’t often find outside of the southern United States and this Texan appreciates that.  Everyone says thank you and please, yes sir, no ma’am.  It is a chivalrous, respectful culture and I love that because it makes me feel like this city is my home at least for the foreseeable future.